The 83rd Academy Awards — for sneering haters
Of course you haven’t seen any of the nominated movies, because we know there hasn’t been a good American movie made since “The Conversation”. Everything else made since then is simply dreck delivered to us by scheming con artists who have been ripping off the same twelve plots originally derived from African folk tales that were then stolen and refined by Shakespeare.
But the only thing worse than today’s movies, of course, is awards for today’s movies. The Academy Awards are nothing more than a celebration of the emptiness that is the orgy of commerce, fashion, and art. Even worse than that is the ceremony itself, gaudy self-congratulation for people who aren’t important but act like their farts are.
But you’ll somehow get stuck watching it, of course.
Well, don’t let not actually watching the movies stop you from pre-judging the whole enterprise without facts, dammit! Here’s what you need to know about the Best Picture nominees. Or more accurately, what you’re pretty sure you know about the films because of your superior powers of deduction honed by years of cynicism. After all, you can’t get fooled when you don’t believe in anything.
“Black Swan”: A “women’s hysterics” story dolled up for the 21st century in the guise of artistic ambition. A pretty girl who is mentally crushed by weight of her performance? Please, just another version of some 18th century doyenne dropping her hand fan as she collapses from “the vapors”.
“The Fighter”: Ah, nothing represents the triumph of the human spirit like a white boxer scrapping to make it. It was the immortal philosopher Lt. Frank Drebin, after all, who replied when someone complimented his knowledge of the sweet science, “All I know is, never bet on the white guy.” Doomed before he begins, I’m sure the white boxer represents mankind’s futile place in the universe. Well, up until he beats the crap out of someone who surely is a flashy, talented, and fundamentally unsound black fighter.
“Inception”: What is “The Matrix”? Or “Dark City”? Or ”The Singing Detective”? Or the new movie with the hot chicks by the director of “300”? Or any other movie where an alternative universe of the mind with its own rules exists where one is truly free in the mind even if the flesh is imprisoned by the forces of evil? How is this one different, huh?
“The Kids Are All Right”: Your basic domestic drama of two people not able to handle the fact that they’re now boring middle-class grown-ups who have been fucking the same person for ages now. Sure, the twist is that it’s a lesbian couple and the crisis-inducing event is the involvement of the long-lost father, but really, is this anything different from “The Glass Menagerie?”
“The King’s Speech”: Some inbred prig has trouble speaking, but a miracle worker with unusual methods gets him to step up a to microphone in a closed room with no audience to save the day against the Nazis! How is this better than some Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling as a mom with a mentally challenged kid who by the end of the movie, has learned not to pee himself while staring at plates spinning on the floor thanks to the out-of-the-box methods of Patricia Heaton? Because they have British accents, you think?
“127 Hours”: Another story of the triumph of the human spirit where some dumbass doesn’t tell people where he’s going, so no one can rescue him and he’s forced to sever his own arm because life is SO PRECIOUS. You know what’s also precious? Not making your friends and family worry. Also precious: having both opposable thumbs.
“The Social Network”: Oh, the irony, a socially challenged guy becomes a social media giant! The same old ‘no rich man ever got into the kingdom of heaven’ bullshit. It’s like “The Aviator” or “There Will Be Blood” with a lot of scenes involving either furious typing or depositions.
“Toy Story 3”: Really, these characters have managed to churn out not one, not two, but THREE well-written, compelling tales that stimulate the mind, and reveal universal existentialist truths? I don’t know what kind of hard-on the Academy has for Tim Allen, but whatever.
“True Grit”: Oh, this is just the Coen Brothers’ way of justifying that nonsensical speech about the myth of the Old West at the end of “No Country For Old Men”. We all know it didn’t make a lick of sense. And the only purpose of that was to justify the two previous hours of Javier Bardem shooting people in the head with an air-pressure nail gun and flipping a coin as “art.”
“Winter’s Bone”: Ah, po’ trash from the Ozarks. Always endlessly fascinating. Almost as spirit-uplifting as white boxers, except they include the whiff of possible incest! And nothing says “acting showcase” like mountain redneck accents. The Oscar voters likely watched this movie in their Hollywood mansions, frightened that this would be their lives if there was true justice in the world and exposed for the frauds that they all are.
There you go, you’re now all ready to stick up your nose at Oscar night. And if you really want to look sneering-hater smart, don’t forget to tell your gullible friends that “The King’s Speech” may win most of the awards, but look for “The Social Network” to grab Best Picture at the end. Becuase come on, if your movie has even a whiff of sugarcoating Nazi sympathizing, you just know Hollywood isn’t going to let that slide.
Enjoy Sunday night, haters.
1 year ago