I have long preferred to have some sort of talk radio playing in the background when I sleep. I have no idea where this came from, but not having anything to listen to in the background is a problem that’s getting worse in my old age. I generally listen to internet radio, but my home broadband internet, as you all know, is often sketchy at best. And during the silences that’s when the odd nightmares come. I had two of them last night.
In the first one I was on a raft, except I didn’t know I was, because I was in disguise in some sort of fat suit. I guess I was undercover as an overweight rafter trying to bust some other rafters in a town where you get around by raft. I realized it was me when I fell out of the boat and started getting punched in the chest, presumably I had been sold out and caught. I was in the midst of my beatdown when I woke up to make sure I actually wasn’t getting beat down.
In the second one, I was in some quaint movie that felt like it was based on a John Irving novel starring Morgan Freeman as a benevolent old guy who had taken in orphans of all races in a small New England town, of which I was one. He imparted life lessons and all that good stuff, helped us bond as a family and showed us the way of tolerance, and all that. I guess I was visiting him and the rest of my “family”, when he inexplicably starts yelling at me and going crazy because I blew the Showcase Showdown on “The Price Is Right” by only bidding a dollar because I was confident the other contestant had overbid, which of course, she did not. Morgan was about to get really violent when I woke up.
All because of the silence while the radio player was “buffering”. Not cool.
2 months ago
So, now, as a rule, if you make a long-awaited sequel to a movie franchise, you must cast Shia LeBoeuf to represent the new generation? Yes, my lazy ass got around to reading the New York Times story on “Wall Street 2: Tokyo Drift” last night and I just realized this. I nearly spit up the cocktail shrimp and Gatorade I was eating as a pathetic substitute for a real, well-balanced dinner.
Is nothing sacred? If he’s the lead in any of the following, there might be violence: “Teen Wolf 3G”, “Back to the Future IV: Looking For Mr. Fusion”, “Hoosiers 2: White Men Can Jump”, “Weekend at Bernie Madoff’s”, and of course, “Aliens in Connecticut”.
2 months ago
With my coffee. This has led to three separate shocked and appalled women in the break room. You know it’s going to be a good day when you can do that before 10:30 am without getting arrested.
2 months ago
So, because I got hammered Saturday night and completely forgot about my live fantasy football draft on Sunday morning, Buddy’s Kids was left at the mercy of the ESPN.com rankings, guess who I got as my two starting quarterbacks? (Don’t ask why the hell we start two quarterbacks.) That’s right, Jay Cutler and Eli Manning!
The good news is, as your friend, I have a rooting interest with you. The bad news is, historically, many fantasy football teams I have owned suffered a cataclysmic injury (or two), meaning those two are officially in as much danger as a member of the 2009 Mets. Let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope they don’t join other historic disasters like Vinny Testaverde ‘99 (though that did lead to my enterprising pickup of some dude named Kurt Warner), Brian Griese ‘01, Edgerrin James ‘01, Steve Smith ‘04, Javon Walker ‘05, Daunte Culpepper ‘05, and Marc Bulger ‘08.
Let this be a lesson to you, kids: don’t schedule things for a weekend morning!
2 months ago
So my office is putting a pool together for the $325 Mega Millions. They’ve bought, like, 200 tickets. When the prize was a mere $210 million or whatever, I decided not to do it, mostly because I was feeling kinda blah at the time, didn’t want to infect the rest of my group with my negativity, I don’t believe in playing the lottery regularly, and I WILL NEVER, EVER WIN.
They didn’t bother to ask me this time. But how funny would it be if I got one ticket for myself after work and I won? And it was all mine! Mine, mine, mine! And, of course, they would all see it in the paper or on the news because I would never go into work again. And then the media would hear of my asshole move, and I think I’d be in the lead.
And if there was any doubt that I was douche of the year, I’d just lock it down when the media, curious to find out about what kind of man cuts his coworkers out of a $325 million (pre-tax) fortune, finds the tweet I made fifteen minutes after the death of Ted Kennedy. Then I would have it locked up! Outta the way, Jon and Kate!
“A man without dreams is merely a captive animal of the society.” I’m pretty sure that was philosopher Jeremy Bentham, or a line by Steven Seagal in “Under Siege 3: Bus to Hell.”
2 months ago
At first, I was going to go with a Mark Sanchez-themed name for my fantasy team, but nothing clicked, so I went with Buddy’s Kid, since new Jet coach Rex Ryan is the son of Buddy Ryan, longtime NFL defensive coordinator and head coach. Kinda weak, but I had to get back to work. Then I thought about it, and while a guy with a name as short as Rex Ryan doesn’t really need a nickname, I feel like he could be referred to as The Rumpshaker. (Rex in effect….get it? And, if I could be real for a second, dude is fat. This nickname doesn’t work with skinny guys named Rex.) Anyway, I haven’t had a ton of time to read the sports blogs lately, so I don’t know if I’m starting the movement. But I like the idea of saying “I can’t believe the Rumpshaker went for it on fourth-and-two from his own 36!”
2 months ago
I know people like to be different, but Lavender 14-point Courier New is ridiculous. I thought I was having a stroke when I opened that email. Once I refocused my eyes, it was merely ugly. No. Just, no.
2 months ago
…when I was so annoyed by the way this place operates that I had to get up and take a break. I’m pretty sure that’s a new record.
2 months ago
But still, the best thing about the camping was the Capri Sun, which one of my fellow campers purchased in bulk. Nothing says the great outdoors like “sweet juice-type product that comes in a silver plastic bag.” Sadly, I just had a hankering for one.
2 months ago
baxterp:
I don’t think that article would bother me so much if I hadn’t heard the same men turn their noses up at women who they have deemed to be too chubby (and who often are maybe a size six). It would be laughable if it weren’t so damn sad and indictive of a real problem.
Well, this article does bother me. For entirely selfish reasons, of course. I finally, after all these years, figure out how to lose that slight paunch and now it’s “in style”? Oh hell no! I’m not going to back to potential lower back pain….you hipsters can go suck it!
2 months ago
