January 2009
23 posts
The hottest singles are just are a phone call... →
Ads for these “singles hotlines”dominate late-night TV, especially on a weekend. I know more desperate, sad, horny, will-do-anything-ridiculous-to-get-some-people than anybody. None of them have ever gone, “So I’ve been calling this 1-900-number.” None. Who is calling these things? Who? I know I ask this about once a year, but I’ve never gotten a satisfactory...
Since I've got nothing doing...
Cardinals (+7) over Steelers: I don’t like the fact that the Cardinals coaching staff knows the Steelers so well. I just don’t. Hines Ward hobbling around doesn’t help.
Larry Fitzgerald, MVP (11 to 2): If the Cardinals are going to win, this is the man that makes it happen. Yes, even more than Jesus.
Nothing else really moves me.
Commitment to mediocrity
Usually if you see something from me on a Friday night, it’s because I am bored and drunk, or drunk and observing something funny, or just drunk. Not tonight. Due to my commitment to my teammates for tomorrow’s events, I decided to stay home. That I had to stretch my current paycheck for what seems like a month helps, but staying home during the weekend is not something I do very...
A sentence that will haunt my nightmares.
In this reflection upon the recent death of writer John Updike on Slate by Troy Patterson, he praises Updike’s literary achievements, then moves on to what was apparently his weak point: writing about sex. Having never read any Updike, I was not prepared for this sentence:
“Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within...
Today's Useless Super Bowl Predictor
If the game were being decided by “most fascinating backup quarterback,” it’s the Arizona Cardinals in a beatdown. SI.com and ESPN.com had stories about the former Heisman Trophy winner saying and doing the right things as a college superstar humbled by sitting on the bench. Neither publication seemed really sure he meant it, though. The above photograph comes up pretty quickly...
ShamWow of the times...
I was watching football a few weeks ago with my man Joe 24K when he noticed an ad for Cash For Gold on during the game. He said, “Really are times that bad? People are just selling their gold?”
I responded, “I don’t know who’s selling their gold, but the fact that this got on during a highly-rated NFL game may be a bad sign.”
Some confirmation of that finally...
The trappings of success
I was discussing with a friend tonight, as we usually wind up discussing, the general comedy of errors that is the American economy. We wound up talking about how things like fancy desk lamps have become an ingrained part of many corporate cultures, especially during boom times, only to look supremely silly and wasteful come the bad times.
It seemed ridiculous to us, kind of, that people in these...
I would like to thank my eye doctor.
The last clear memory I have of last night’s drunken madness put a historic cap on a historic week.
I beat someone at Buck Hunter for the first time, ever! While I’m sure it wasn’t east villiage idiot’s finest effort, I’ll take it! The only rational explanation for the steroids-like change in fortune (I had never even come close to being decent at that game) are my...
And now after my earlier screed about sexist...
My roommate made a comment about how given then opportunity, he was 99 percent sure he would sleep with a female actress who shall remain nameless if given the opportunity.
Since I used to have a crush on this actress and have seen her topless in a couple of films, I responded, “Only 99 percent? Really? I’m pretty at ease saying 100 percent.”
He explained that the 1 percent...
A quiet evening at home. What a concept.
After a couple of days of late nights at work, I finally got home at a reasonable hour and decided not to spend the time watching the news. Mostly because it reminds me that when I’m 65, my kids will ask me where I was when Obama was inaugurated, and I will tell them, “On the toilet, because I really had to finish drafting those tax certification forms, and once I was done, I...
Still nothing.
There’s something about the soul-deadening nature of working with tax forms that just gives you absolutely nothing to say. Yes, even in these heady and historic times. A world where the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl deserves better. You know, among other things.
Still standing. Lets see what happens at the nest.
Really, I wasn't going to go out...
…but the heat in my apartment is very inconveniently nonexistent. I need some food and beer anyway. Most importantly, I don’t want my left nut to freeze.
Blogger's block, or am I just letting this thing...
Not sure yet…I have my other blog for long-form writing, conceptual jokes, ideas, fiction, rants about sports, and the likes. This is supposed to be the inner monologue, “feelings” section of the program. I don’t know why, but I don’t think I’ve had a genuine emotion since New Year’s. Must be the cold.
As my roommate diddy says, you know you’ve been in a bar too long when you finally hear gnarls barkley.
If you want to start a fight with a guy in a band, two words: guitar hero.
Where pretending to care about the NBA happens.
Drinking alone. Lacking sleep. What could possibly go wrong?
"What are you doing here?": man asks wife at... →
I’m sure the feeling was mutual.
The gray monster is no more, unless things get...
Well, after being universally panned, I am pleased to announce that the big, grey, hooded puffy coat will be seen no more unless the temperature falls below 20 degrees and sideways snow is outside. Which was the original intent of purchasing it; but I had failed to buy the complementary “nice” coat to go along with it. Well, I got that done today. So y’all can rest easy now.
I'm back and starting trouble.
Okay, not that anyone ever notices I’m gone, but still. If you are still interested in reliving much of the awfulness that was 2008, you can check out what I was up to the last couple of weeks here. But now it’s ‘09 and I woke up this morning with three burning questions:
1. Why did everyone I made out with last night bite my lower lip? Or why does it feel like it?
2. Just how...