January 2012
2 posts
4 tags
Have you ever checked out a homeless guy's abs?...
I ask the question above because I have reached the time of year when I become fat. Or at least have a noticeable paunch. And don’t think it didn’t come up when I saw the family the other day. For some reason, I am expected to remain Mr. Universe, so any visible lack of fitness is noted. In addition to that long-term psychological damage, I just donl’t feel good being out of...
3 tags
Political analysis from someone who has become...
Imagine that there was a guy like the Richard Pryor character in “Brewster’s Millions” who had to spend a a ton of money in 30 days and end up with nothing to show for it, and that guy had decided to run a Republican primary campaign touting “Not Mitt Romney” in much the same manner of the “None of the Above” mayoral campaign in the movie. And it was...
November 2011
1 post
4 tags
Nothing to see here, right, cleaning ladies?
So one of you was sitting up on the counter, legs spread somewhat. And the other was standing very close to her, possibly in between those legs. And then I walked in looking for vending machine Doritos. And then shit got awkward. So awkward I ended up leaving with a cup of water because I didn’t know what else to do, and you two pretended to get back to work in the same style of Steve Martin...
October 2011
5 posts
2 tags
In case any members of law enforcement read that prior post, I am just kidding. I have potential Form 8918’s to take care of, so there is no way I can take tomorrow off.
3 tags
You know who ought to get stabbed in their eyes with metal toothpicks?! People who make fantasy football trade offers like LeSean McCoy for Joe Flacco, get rejected, and then come back the next day proposing Mike Wallace for Joe Flacco. I should take tomorrow off, go this idiot’s office where he clearly does no work, and beat this guy down with a tire iron.
4 tags
Shut up about how everyone should be watching your...
Once in a while, I read something that makes me eyes bleed and head hurt to the point where I can’t continue it. Then I come here to rail to a mostly indifferent audience. It’s one of those times.
I’ve slowly noticed this in the writing of Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci for some time now, and it’s a tactic I abhor, especially from writers I like who should know...
2 tags
I thought people had finally learned to leave me alone, but it just turns out that my new phone does not get reception here at work. It doesn’t just not get reception, after all, I’m not near a window and I’m located in the middle of the floor. But my old phone would, once in a while, pick up a little something, just enough for a few messages to get through.
Nope, not the new...
6 tags
Real people, real problems.
So, the lady really wants to see “The Ides of March” this weekend. And why not? It looks like a quality political drama featuring Ryan Gosling and George Clooney. Gosling probably plays some idealistic-but-complicated political operative who works for George Clooney, a politician who is not all that he seems. Gosling discovers this in spectacular fashion and soon has to figure out if...
September 2011
5 posts
You think you got problems?
I left my ID home and it’s shrimp fritters day at the cafeteria! Fuck!
3 tags
Method Man and Chris Rock could not possibly bring...
Not sure why I went to work today, but I did. Sitting at a computer while the office network is down on exacerbates the problem of the four things I cannot stop thinking about:
1. I think I have an idea of which establishment is still holding my ID and bank card. Otherwise, I should really be a hell of a lot more panicked right now. Maybe I should be panicked anyway.
2. A strange conversation...
2 tags
As usual, my dedication to work left me not finding out about about this Glen Rice-Sarah Palin business until about 15 minutes ago. And for some reason, I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.
I eagerly await the Lisa Ann-Lexington Steele reenactment I’m sure is already in production, even though they’re both probably a little too old for the parts at this point. (What? No, I don’t know who...
2 tags
2 tags
August 2011
12 posts
Reflections in Irene's puddle
1. I stand by most everything I wrote across various platforms. Even about “Music and Lyrics”. Thanks, wine.
2. I have no beef with the way local government reacted. Better to somewhat overreact than get caught with your pants down on something like this. That said…
3. They better really be sure the MTA is either ready to roll Monday morning or it’s not ready at all so...
2 tags
How come every movie that involves writers and writing invariably winds up using plagiarism as a plot point?! I’m looking at you, “Music and Lyrics”, “Finding Forrester”, Throw Momma From the Train”, and “Shattered Glass”!
Ok, I should probably cut “Shattered Glass” some slack.
2 tags
“Music and Lyrics” is actually making me laugh.
The upside of having to watch “Must Love Dogs” is that it has led to a planned viewing of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” for The Current Mrs. Wellwhiskeyfriday. Thanks, Dennis Reynolds.
2 tags
Poor Guys
antikris:
I feel so bad for dudes trapped in apartments with their girlfriends tonight because all that is on TV tonight is a million Romantic Comedies.
That’s why you ply the lady with wine, wait for her to pass out, then put on ESPN or the DVD collection labeled “Jason Statham’s Greatest Hits”.
3 tags
Bill Barnwell just became my new favorite football... →
He had the stones to analyze the Patriots’ offseason with a little bit more analysis than “Bill Belichick said so”, which seems to be good enough for most of the national media.
To be fair, Belichick has earned the benefit of the doubt to a great degree. But you know, once upon a time, so did Al Davis.
(Full disclosure: Yes, I am a Jets fan. I’m not exactly pleased with...
4 tags
While I was finishing sales tax refund claims...
…the whole economy went to hell in a hand basket, and we’re all doomed? Or something like that?
From what I can gather, because the Republican Party steadfastly believes that any kind of tax increase will hurt the economy and was willing to send the country into default, they stood their ground until the last second. Meanwhile, the President decided not to make a stand for tax...
Interrupting the Fox Snooze brouhaha to add an...
brianvan:
A “hip hop BBQ”? Isn’t that a redundancy?
“Hip-hop cookout” would also have been accepted, Brian.
The ultimate hipster accessory....
…if you’re a New York Jets fan, or you’re a fan of hipster NFL players before it was cool: get yourself a Riggins #44 jersey. He had a Mohawk, he quit the NFL, and he came back for the money to afford a waterfront condo long before it was cool.
4 tags
Bobcat Goldthwait and Michael Winslow better watch... →
4 tags
I can't believe it's not salmon! Okay, I can...
On today’s episode of Adventures From the Cafeteria, I discovered arctic char. It looks like salmon, has the same texture as salmon, and kind of mostly sorta tastes like salmon. In my scientific assessment, it tastes 78.6 percent like salmon. So, if you like salmon, but your taste buds say, ”Damn, I like salmon, but I can’t handle all the salmonness of salmon, it’s just too...
July 2011
13 posts
5 tags
Actual useful observation from last night #2:
If you’re at New Meadowlands, and like your hamburger and fries with a side of healthy competition, get your ass to the Brooklyn Burger concession stand. The burgers are slightly-better-than-average by outdoor sporting event standards, but that’s not why you go there.
Getting in line isn’t about getting to the shortest one,...
2 tags
Ok, now it’s time for actual useful observation #1 from last night:
Now look, I’m no Sir Smoke-A-Lot, but if you light up a joint, and it makes the woman in front of you accuse her innocent, just mindin’ his business boyfriend of farting, you are smoking some cheap shit. If you have enough money to get pretty decent seats at a major rock concert, you should probably step up your...
4 tags
I wasn’t really going to write anything about attending the U2 concert at New Meadowlands Stadium last night, because, let’s face it: first, you probably don’t care. Second, I have nothing to add to any reasonable review of the show that you hadn’t read before that likely doesn’t go along the lines of:
“What an audacious stage design and lighting extravaganza!...
4 tags
A college football-related thought exercise.
If a team has to vacate a conference championship that no one even remembers happening, is it actually a punishment?
1 tag
I might be slightly agitated because...
… it’s 11:10 and I’m still in this office? Nah, wait, we all know I needed to quit this job two years ago, move to the forest, and work on my satirical masterpiece, Glory Without Pride: Pop Psychological Evaluations of Your Favorite Reality TV Stars.
…some jackass in my fantasy baseball league is still trying to get Josh Hamilton and CC Sabathia from me for a bag of...
WatchPlate on a log. A visual
Expression of the dastardly interaction between man and nature not more than 100 feet from the Fairway in Red Hook. Put this crap on a loop at P.S.1 and tell me this isn’t “profound video art.”
If I wanted to watch a random series of...
Sadly, I make my living as an accountant, and one of the things I’ve learned (since I am not formally trained) is that if the numbers on the spreadsheet don’t tell the reader some sort of story, they’re basically useless. And I’m afraid that’s where too many sabermetric baseball analysts seem to be headed.
No, I didn’t want to be the old guy in the shawl, but...
I know, that’s like three, now four times today. No, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. And, to be clear, I am approximately 59.1 percent kidding with my previous statement.
Fortune Favors The Bold: This makes me want to... →
brianvan:
This makes me want to post a picture of my dick right now.
seagull:
BREAKING: Bachmann pledges to ban pornography
stfuconservatives:
inothernews:
skybarn:
BREAKING: BACHMANN PLEDGES TO BAN PORNOGRAPHY | Tonight, Michelle Bachmann became the first presidential candidate to…
Banning pornography? Really? I thought she was serious about upholding the monagamous...
2 tags
Meaningless, but oddly satisfying low-bar...
Successfully nested seven IF statements in an Excel spreadsheet. On the first try.
Sure, they help you out with the multicolored parentheses, but when you have the winning combination of questionable eyesight and childlike short attention span like I do, it takes at least two, and often closer to five attempts for me to accomplish.
It’s Miller Time! (And really, that’s about all I...
2 tags
My annual mini-rant against chilled soups
For the uninitiated, the cafeteria where I work always has a choice of four soups. Come summertime, they always have one of the soups be a chilled cold soup. As you can tell from the title of this all-too-rare post, I am not a fan.
I don’t understand this at all. This building is pretty much air-conditioned within an inch of our lives, so there’s no need to cool down the soups....
June 2011
2 posts
Awkward office conversation #2
Woman trying to promote her party that I won’t be going to: Yeah, it’s a lounge, with two levels.
Me: (stirring coffee) Sounds cool. Is it your birthday?
Woman trying to promote her party that I won’t be going to: No, it’s just something I wound up getting involved in. It’s just a party. The theme is “Celebrating Cancers”.
Me: (no longer looking for a...
Awkward office conversation #1.
Dude with the unfortunate job of having to input people’s information for some reason: Hey, would you know where these guys in our London office are from?
Me: (persuing list) Oh, these guys? [First guy] was born in Greece, although I think he’s a UK citizen now. [Second guy] was born in South Africa.
Dude with the unfortunate job of having to input people’s information for...
May 2011
1 post
March 2011
5 posts
1 tag
My new favorite disease. →
So, the next time someone comes to me for analysis on why one of my friends made a ridiculously questionable sexual decision, I can just be like, “That Kluver-Bucy Syndrome is going around. Must be that crazy killer African bee pollen we’re getting because of climate change.”
If I’m ever caught doing something or someone questionable, I can just say, “Geez, um, you...
4 tags
Well, thank heavens we’ve got 24 more hours to avoid a lockout of the NFL! I mean, where would we be without the games? What will we do with our Sundays without the NFL?
…wait a minute. Isn’t it the off-season? What the hell are we so scared about, football fans? I mean, as long as everyone comes to their senses by late July, is there really a problem? I would think the only...
4 tags
Libyans find out some people find it hard to quit...
After getting my work sort of done, I decided to catch up on the goings-on in the world, and I see that Khadafy (I’d spell check that, but what’s the point) is still hanging on, and he still wants to be in charge. He really wants to stick around, and will do anything to do it. Not only is he raining bullets upon his enemies, but he’s also trying to buy off the people who...
February 2011
5 posts
5 tags
The 83rd Academy Awards -- for sneering haters
Of course you haven’t seen any of the nominated movies, because we know there hasn’t been a good American movie made since “The Conversation”. Everything else made since then is simply dreck delivered to us by scheming con artists who have been ripping off the same twelve plots originally derived from African folk tales that were then stolen and refined by Shakespeare.
But...
3 tags
When I finally quit this two-bit job and execute my plan to one day run for the House of Representatives in New York’s 12th District, I have a new strategy lined up based on recent events.
(Quick aside, if you wonder how I’m going to run for Congress, it’s pretty simple: I plan to walk into the Republican Party offices, say “Hey, I see Rep. Velazquez is running unopposed...
3 tags
Rick Reilly is going to make me a bad person.
Look, if you have no rooting interest in Sunday’s game, you’re probably going to root for the Packers because, let’s face it, you don’t care if charges weren’t pressed, you know that at minimum, Ben Roethlisberger is a big fat sleazebucket armed with shot glasses. You can’t root for the Steelers, right? Right? Of course.
But what if you’re up for being a...
The most irrelevant, badly dated item you will...
How come when McLean Stevenson left the TV series M*A*S*H for a failed new series, he became the butt of jokes for the next twenty-five years, while Wayne Rogers left the same year in a contract dispute, never really did anything as huge, acting-wise, after that, and has totally slid by? Rogers didn’t even bounce for another series, he just wanted more money! I have never heard Rogers...